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Why I Feel Like I Am Losing My Identity... (Audio included)



First of all, I know we are in April but I just want to say Happy New Year to everyone.

I want to talk about this issue because I have had some moments in 2018 that have made me question a lot of things in my life, especially my identity.

Firstly, I identify as a writer - because I have been writing all my life. A creator, because creating things makes me happy and gives me clarity. A photographer because occasionally, I love to take pictures.

Personality wise, I am quite neurotic. I experience high levels of positive and negative emotions and this could come off to the lay man’s eyes as me not being able to handle life, meanwhile, I know exactly where I am going, I might just be a little “all over the place” about it.

Taking things sequentially, I’m going to outline the ways in which I have fallen short of my own expectations.

1. Writer

 
 

I haven’t been writing a lot. I write in my journal, I write snippets of personal thought but I haven’t been updating my blog as much as I used to and it makes me feel, in some way, like I am not fulfilling a promise to myself and to the fan-base that I am building for this platform. It’s something that I worry about and something I plan to work on moving forward. When I started my blog during my placement year prior my final year in university, I was more consistent. Now, it is a different case.

The reason is that I have moved from the continent I schooled in, to my home continent and I’m finding it very difficult to adjust to my new life. The maladaptation I’m experiencing is beyond my wildest expectations and my coping mechanisms have reverted to unhealthy ways (I'm talking about food, good food, yummy food...I'm a foodie). My aim this 2019 is to rectify that, be more consistent, be healthier and post more.

2. Photography

 
Click to go to PHOTO MOMENTS

As you all know, my photography started off with a phone camera and evolved into 35mm film photography with my vintage Olympus MJU zoom 115. To clarify: this is a point and shoot camera that requires only the ability to capture the right angles but, (in addition to my budding photoshop abilities), I somehow created enough magic for my work to pass the Vogue Italia quality assessment (Please check my Photo Moments for more).

Living abroad, it was easy for me to order the odd and rare lithium batteries off Amazon and get them delivered to my door step. Once the film was finished, I could order 20 more rolls if I wanted to. And when it comes to developing my film, the ever trusted Snappy Snaps did the trick for me.

Now that I’m in Nigeria, I can’t do even one of these things. In a way, I feel as though I have lost my ability to even describe myself as a photographer because although film is not dead in the first world countries, in Nigeria, it is. Reverting back to iPhone photography or labelling yourself a photography without a working camera is very unusual, odd and is not something I think I can get used to.

I can send film abroad to get developed if need be but…this just makes film more expensive than it already is. I am currently working towards getting a digital camera in my near future. For now, I don’t recognise who I am or feel as though I belong in the photography anymore.

3. Content Creator

 
Click for my Instagram

I enjoy creating things. This website is one of my priceless gems and I’m so proud of it. I am working on the first release of my Human Emotions Journal that explores people’s repressed feelings. I have been collating submissions for a while. I am glad that I can finally see it coming together and it will soon be done. However, the fear of printing prices and just wondering if people will support it when it finally comes out is another story for another day...

I have been contemplating starting a YouTube channel for the whole of 2018 and in 2019 I am so proud of myself that I have finally done it!!!

 
Click for my YouTube

 

It is a bit sad that when I have these creative ideas, they roam around my head for a long time, building and growing until I can finally see the big picture. Once the vision is complete, I am compelled to create. Before that however, I battle with myself as to why I’m not moving fast enough, why I’m not creating, I do so much and I always feel like I’m not doing anything. It is very emotionally draining.

I am glad however, that I finally started my goal of being a YouTuber. I’m mostly doing this because I enjoy editing videos and talking to the camera. It gives me a lot of clarity. Also, I have a very strong feeling that I am going to have a life where I am mostly solo so there is definitely a need to document my life through this journey of self-discovery.

4. Personality

 
 

Just like everyone else, there is so much wrong that is with me. And I think that this is completely okay. But I also have some strengths which, in the past I could identify quite easily but now, seem so distant mostly because of my own negative self-talk.

I have always been drawn to things that are extremely difficult. Intrigued by conundrums and understanding complexity. Understanding my emotions and understanding how the world works. Psychology. The most convoluted projects basically.

One thing I would love to do is learn how to make life a little easier for myself.

Not be too hard on myself, believe in the power of change and hope that, one day, I would stop experiencing the same experiential cycles that I have been experiencing all my life.

Conclusion

With all of this going on in my life, it has been very hard for me to be happy. I have felt a lot like a shadow of myself and I hope that this is a phase that shall soon pass.

I am going through a transitionary period and, learning from my past experiences of existential shifts similar to this, I know that they involve a lot of questioning, wishing into the stars, sending goals and dreams out to the universe to handle, forces battling against your own progress, working as hard as you can to get to where you need to be, distancing yourself from the pleasures of life, questioning your own value, worth and ability to achieve anything in the first place. It involves going through a lot of things that nobody else understands. It involves isolation.

I’m just hoping that the day I can recognise myself again comes soon while I endure The Making of whoever I am going to be in the very near future.

My one hope is for life to work out the way it is meant to be.

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