The Wrong Decisions

[Written on the 21st of June, 2019]

Sometimes I just find myself confused and lost in life.

There was a point where, somehow and for some reason, all my decisions were nothing but self destructive.

At this point I would wonder, “Am I living life correctly?”

I would speak to my friends and I would get further confirmation that I’m doing it all wrong.

I never took their advice and I never knew I wasn’t taking it.

I would walk out of conversations feeling refreshed but I would come back to them with more drastic news, unaware that I was a victim to my own vicious cycle of disrepair.

I didn’t know what I was doing until someone stopped me in my tracks and asked “Why do you hate yourself so much?”

I was struck by that question; even offended because…why would you think that I hate myself? I love…well, maybe I didn’t exactly love myself.

I’m wasn't really satisfied with where I was in life. Thing were upside down. The achievements I took pride in were so far back and…maybe I was sad.

It dawned on me in that moment that I spent so much time expressing my dissatisfaction in myself by treating my body as everything but the temple that it is.

I was punishing myself for normal things and occurrences that are part of the human experience.

Then I made a conscious effort to begin to love myself again.

It’s not very easy and it’s something that I struggle with everyday.

I start my day with affirmations.

My favourite right now is “Today is going to be amazing and I am capable of handling any difficulty that comes my way.”

It may not sound like much but it gets me through the day, makes me feel capable and paramountly, it makes me feel loved by myself.

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How can you trust yourself when your heart’s default setting is to lead you down the wrong path?

Writer's Note

I was searching through my archives and I stumbled upon this piece I wrote about a year ago.

It is very inspiring for me because, although I am in a better and more secure space in my life, I sometimes still find myself perusing this rabbit hole.

I will create a follow up post where I will speak more elaborately about how this experience has grown in complexity over the past few years.